I’d Rather Be Normal

A poem for anyone wrestling with past temptations and present obedience.

I’d rather be normal.
That’s the thought that slips in
when modesty feels like a curtain,
between myself and the world,
and obedience gets no ovation.

I’d rather be effortless—
low-cut confidence,
hip-sway sermon,
a hundred eyes saying
“you belong.”

I know how to pull that off.
I used to wear it
like perfume and armor.

I’d rather scroll than sit in silence.
Smoke the stillness out of my chest.
Laugh too loud at things I don’t believe.
Be soft-spoken in conviction
but sharp-edged in style—
unbothered, unburdened,
unholy.

But You.
You ripped that taste off of my tongue.
Not by shame,
but by showing me what it cost.

You speak in whispers
when the world screams,
and somehow Your stillness
shakes me more.

Now, I see the way wide roads
cheer me on
while cliffing off.
How “normal” in this world
often comes with chains
you don’t notice
‘til you’re bleeding from the wrists.

But still—
I miss the mindless ease, sometimes.
The way seduction felt like power.
The way laziness disguised as peace.
The way my body was currency,
and I never checked the exchange rate.

Now I wear higher neck lines
and carry heavier thoughts.
I trade attention for integrity
and wonder if anyone sees.

I say no—
when every part of me
remembers how yes
felt like momentary flight.

But I’d rather follow You.
Even when it hurts.
Even when it’s lonely.
Even when it feels like
I’m the only one

Walking upstream
in a world that floats
toward
the fall

Because I’ve seen
where that stream flows
when I go
where I’d rather.

And I’d rather be Yours.

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